his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
