i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
