i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
