i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
