Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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