i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
