Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
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Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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