in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
