When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
