why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I love you.
Bad choice
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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