hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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