i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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