That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I did not marry a roomba.
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