Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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