Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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