I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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