i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
