Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want nice things and good sex
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
