So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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