I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
