**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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