my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
