i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
