Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
