can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
