My liver just broke up with me...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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