his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
