So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
sarcasm needs its own font
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
