Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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