Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
