I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
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His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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