y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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