I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
