I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
