I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think your dad took our porno
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
