When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
