I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
