my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
