This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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