weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.