I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
