How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
