All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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