Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
