she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
