Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
