I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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