It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
