Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
