I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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