My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
