I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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