please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
