So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bring me that man meat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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