i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
