When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
