Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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