we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
